11 December 2016

Tired of this hill

God is asking me to be more patient. But God, please show me that place, bring me that person, send me that feeling that can make me be more patient than I am now. I just need a substitute to replace what I gave away. I have been so tired and wary. I know I can endure this once more but the longing in my heart is hurting me. 

If my life isn't my parent's life, I would not be here. But my life, is my parent's life. I can't give up on my life and ruin the whole world. But God, I am so tired. I want to go out travel embracing the world. I want to attend fan meeting and concerts of my favourite singer.  I want to buy anything that I want without concern. I want to stop worrying about being so full of myself. I want to drive my car to anywhere I wanted. I want to be happy without dwelling on my past and my future, and I can't do all that things because I am who I am. I am just that kind of person. I care about my parents because my life depends on them. I study so hard because I want to be successful and be happy with them. I just can't be that selfish because my happiness is not mine. 

My young age is not meant to be spend like all the other young did. I hope all my classmates can stop asking me and questioning me. I may be the only child of my family but I am the one who should find my own gold. My parents work to complete my life's need but not to spend their Gold for me. 

Dear God,
with all of my heart, I pray for you to provide endless health and happiness for my parents while I am studying to get a stable career and life so that I won't be a nuisance for them, so that I can give back what they have sacrificed for me. 

P/s Here is my life update, I have finished my second year of my degree and path is getting complicated for me to overcome. Two years to go and may luck is on my side.

"Sad because there will be a time when you have to go through obstacles or challenges on your own. Alone, with no one to help you. And it can be devastating and heartbreaking. Hang in there. You can persevere through tough time. You. It is YOU."

03 June 2016


It is over now. The most tiring season of my university life is over now. It was so hectic because there were too many tasks to do and I have no energy left to write about it now. I am so tired but I have to write something so my heart might feel lighter. One thing I can say, after all the struggles, this season has affected me mentally and physically. I will write more later but what is stressing me right now is the breakout of my skin. My face is getting bad due to stress and improper eating pattern. I already packed my luggage for home tomorrow. This place should be left for a while. May the love of home and my mom heals me. May I manage to catch up myself because I have been missing pieces of myself throughout the semester. I need to pick up myself. I need some rest. 

"When things go my way, I thank God for the blessing, when things go wrong, I thank God for the lesson."

16 October 2015

The ugly truth

In this temporary world, there are a lot of things I envy the most. I envy to those people who seems so lucky to own everything I don’t have. This is not about being greedy for asking too much. People never see what is never showed.  I am not like others. I have lacking in everywhere if you ever know my heart. Therefore,  I am the kind of person who must work my effort like hell so that I can get what I want. And the journey will never be easy. No one ever said it will get easy. Sometimes we just get the hope and pull ourselves together but certain thing comes in the between and destroy everything.  The heart holds too much and there is no space anymore. It feels like that, but I believe I am on the other way. I am strong and I hold a very strong unbreakable heart. Thing still stays the same but I am slowly accepting and moving on. 

And still remember my healing point? Nature is my healing point. I visited my healing point recently and it feels rejuvenating for now even though the pain is still there. Hey look! I am smiling!

Happy face, stay there a little longer!

07 September 2015

Old Photo

Every time I look through the old photos, I always feel a clump is balling in my throat. A peculiar hurtful feeling develops. It is hurt to know this innocent young child never knew she will go through so much hardship and challenges in her life. For now, I feel like it is a never ending moment. She used to be carefree and nonchalant.  But now, she is no longer the same person she used to be.

For God sake, I swear, this place ruins her.
Will she manage to know her real self?
Will I get the chance?

08 August 2015

I am 'people' too.

"But who can remember pain, once it's over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind."
- The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

03 August 2015

Healing Point

Healing is a miracle. When you are healed, there is a miracle in you.  Isn’t it the best thing ever? I don’t know if it was real but I believe I have once healed. That was when I am surrounded by nature. It sounds silly because of course I live in nature but the nature that I mean is somewhere when you are surrounded by trees and animals. That is the real nature. It gives you the smell, the air and the wind that come along from there.  This is the definition of nature that can heal me, heal us. 

There was a time when I am so depressed of life. I was tired of the ache of my feet. Walking life is hard and that makes you hate the world. And one day I decided to explore different place.  I wanted to see if the world is really created to suffocate me. So I went into the woods and the zoo.  From there, I gained freedom and faith.  And it is infinite. 

I don’t know how to describe, but I just found hope when I see the animals, I found peace from the sight of live green creature and I always wanted to start fresh just from gasping the air of nature.  And I will always missing the places. Maybe my soul is dying right now and my longing is getting high. I will come back to  my one and only eternal treasure.

 In time, please remember to bring me into the nature whenever I am happy or sad. 

28 July 2015


"I probably would have given up hope. I would have sunk to the floor of the bedroom and pounded my fist against the carpet wondering why in the world life was so unfair and filled with inconveniences."

13 July 2015

Sometimes we just don’t get to choose

It has been months since my previous post. In that post, I promise to write about the result. And it is negative. It takes lot courage in me to write this. I have been thinking to write this before. I thought a lot. That is all because deep inside my heart I still refuse to accept the fact. But now, I am starting over. I want to start fresh again. Believe me, I don’t even want to look back and wanting it again. I want to move on and just be fire up with my life right now. This life is my life as it makes me happy or not, it is my life and I must endure it and find ways to be happy.

You know, whatever it is, I have tried. I tried so hard to change the fate. But, the fate remains as it is. After all, I let go. It must hurt me a lot until I give up on thing that I like since years ago. God knows how much I wanted it. Later, I know that one day in the future, I might turn back and regret. Wondering why this and that happened. Questioning what mistakes I made until this happen to me. And I know sooner I will recover and become fire up again. That is what we called, spirit. Spirit never dies.

Recovering is hard. I am in the process and it is an early stage. I stumble and I build the strength to stand again. In the moment, I change my focus for the other. I prepare myself for the challenges which I will absolutely have during my second year in university. Studying is hard. Sometimes there are things which we need to deal with people. That means I can’t stay alone. I must stand out. I must mend my weakness and stop complaining. However, I am Me. You are who you are. Sometimes, we can’t change ourselves. Whatever your personality is, that makes you become different from the other. Don’t worry.  I have my own way and let’s just follow the path because whenever the mistake happens, it is the learning process anyway.

Until then, stay strong and never lose hope. 

15 March 2015

Be more thankful.


It has been a while since my last post. I have come to the will of writing again. I am happy for that because at least I let them out here. Sometimes my heart becomes stuffy by feelings and hidden thoughts. I can say there are a lot of things running in my mind and some of them are happening in my life. Some of them are good and some of them are bad. Despite everything, I live.

Dear self, be more thankful. I wish I can be truly thankful for everything I have whether they are good or bad. But, I am human. I have lust. My lust craves for perfection and I need to fulfill it or I will be saddest person. In time, I am applying another ticket of my dream. I have been praying, asking, and begging God to fulfill my wish. It is between two choices. It is either I get it and be good or I missed it and crumbling. After all, it is on God hand. I am nothing but a slave. If He says this dream that I wish for is not for me, then it is over. 

I never make a preparation of what will happen if thing does not go well. I refuse to make another plan because I don't have another plan. This is the only way. This is the only time left for me. Maybe all I can say when that time has come, I should be proud of myself because I never give up. I never stop trying. But, when the situation hurts me so bad, I will totally give up.

Up until that moment, may God holds my faith. He knows how I feel. He knows I will always try to be happy on what He gives me.